The Nude Prudes' Guide to Natural Labor
Ten No Fail Tips for the Fearless Female
Well, my little bouncing baby has made it earth-side. He’s attaining fat rolls by the dozen, and is scrumptious enough to tempt even the most civilized among us to cannibalism. The Prudes felt that it would be helpful to share some tips to prepare for a natural birth. No, I did not use an epidural, and yes, I want a trophy!
Dates
We’re not talking about dinner with your hubby, mama! We’re talking about the magic Middle-Eastern fruit. Consuming just 6 dates per day, some say, can help ripen your cervix and speed labor. Scientists think that this is because they look pretty wrinkly, and so does a nice ripened cervix (don’t look it up). I was dilated to 3 ½ centimeters for a total of twelve hours. Couldn’t have done it without those little brown miracles!
The best part about eating dates is that everyone around you will know you’ve been eating dates. It’s incredible just how long the smell of date farts can linger in a room! We call it the Parfúm-du-Pregnancié.
Red Raspberry Leaf Tea
Once you reach hour 26 of labor, you’ll be so glad that you spent all that money on organic red raspberry leaf tea. It is by far the most helpful tool in your natural birth arsenal. Drinking 2 cups per day helps tone your uterus. Don’t know what the hell that means? Neither do we! It tastes like hot alfalfa water, which is just one of its many perks.
Birth Vlogs
Labor is a mental game, and watching other women go through it can be helpful preparation. Birth vlogs are a great example of all the cleanest, quietest, and most aesthetically pleasing aspects of the delivery experience. My favorite birth vlog (Transcendental Water Birth: RAW and EMOTIONAL!) taught me important skills such as “smiling,” “joking with husband,” and “putting on makeup while having early contractions.”
Scriptural Birth Affirmations
During my natural labor, repetition was essential for my mindfulness. I was able to stay in control and ahead of my surges. My favorite affirmation came from Genesis: “In pain you will bring forth children” (3:16). In particularly challenging moments, I would pull out a hard-hitter from 1 Corinthians: “It is good for a man not to touch a woman.”
Curb Walking
This is a good tool for overdue mamas who need to feel like they’re in control. The idea is to open the pelvis through an uneven walking pattern. Most mommy bloggers recommend curb walking for about 20 minutes a day. In my experience, about 20 seconds of curb walking per day is sufficient to make you look like a total idiot.
Husband-led Coaching
Your husband will be so happy to feel useless during your natural labor. You can help train him in the months leading up to your due date with some role-play. Here’s an example:
Pregnant Person: Ow! Ouch! Ouchie!
Husband: Are you ok?
Person with Uterus: Oof… ouch.
Husband: Is there anything I can do for you?
Chestfeeder: No.
Don’t be afraid to get creative! The more you practice, the easier it’ll be on the Big Day. And don’t forget about counter-pressure. If you aren’t home, your husband can always practice by jamming his fist into a wall for a couple hours.
A Birth Plan
It will always go exactly how you want if you write it down! Make sure you’re a total jerk to the nurses when they suggest interventions. The hospital industrial complex is out to get you.
Shaming other Women
This tool is helpful not only during labor, but for years to come. During labor, when you feel like your abdomen is in a hydraulic press, just think of how much better you are than your friend Kendra who’s already got her C-Section scheduled. Not everyone has your mental strength!
Kegels
Actually, this one doesn’t do anything.
Conclusion
In this modern era of “medicine” and “clean, sanitary environments,” it’s helpful to remember how happy women used to be when it came time to deliver their babies. Your ancestor Ruth, who gave birth in a ditch on the Oregon Trail, would be so bummed to hear about pain meds. Fear not— put on your Anthropologie prairie skirt, practice your affirmations, and get ready, mama. Contractions are basically just period cramps on a bad day!
—E.S.F.
RRLT benefits after 26 hours of labor! I’m laughing so hard reading this. My favorite section was asking your husband to coach. During my first pregnancy, my husband asked,
“I’m sorry, but in sports, don’t they choose the most experienced player to be to coach?”
We hired a doula and never looked back.
Congratulations on baby!! Also, this made me cackle.