The Nude Prude Fashion Guide 2025
It's Giving Armageddon
We Prudes have analyzed all the hot trends of last year in order to present you with our predictions for 2025. Grab your credit card and call Dave Ramsey, because you’ll need serious financial help after hopping on the Trend Train!
Camouflage
The 2000s are back and bigger than ever! After last year’s cargo pants craze, we’re predicting another leap in the direction of dad-wear. Camouflage will be so hot, we might not see anyone on the street! Once China inevitably decides to make their first nuclear strike on the US (we’re thinking fall/winter vibes), this trend will really come in handy. The government won’t have to worry about clothing the militia, and we’ll be ready for combat.
Get the look: Think “invisible to war drones.” We’re talking head-to-toe camo, from hat to shoes. Gas masks are an added bonus, if you’re bold (and smart) enough!
Sri Lankan Stilt Fisherman
Pinterest, that self-fulfilling prophet, predicted that the fisherman aesthetic would be red-hot in 2025. We Prudes think it likely that the cableknit look, too heavy for spring and summer, will give way to the aesthetic of the traditional Sri Lankan Stilt Fishermen, who prefer a much lighter ensemble. Often shirtless, these men work with a rotating wardrobe of colorful cotton shorts and harem pants. It’s that simple! This look is a unique spin on 2025’s staple trend. Bonus, you’ll help preserve a dying tradition that is thousands of years old.
Get the look: You’ll need a fishing pole and lessons in Tamil -- check the course catalog at your local community college. Oh, and you’ll also need to be suspended some ten-odd feet above the rest of your surroundings, but we figured that goes without saying.
Dalmatian Print
We’re expecting big moves from the animal kingdom in 2025. Leopard and cheetah are out — big designers say that puppy is in! It gives “cute” and “fuzzy,” and we’ve got to empty out those dog mills somehow.
Get the look: It involves some breaking and entering, but your sweet schoolmate’s idiot husband doesn’t have the guts to defend his own home anyway. Take a crowbar and pop each puppy on the noggin, harvesting enough skins for a beautiful new coat.
Camel Toe
Hot Pants are supposedly making their way back into the trend cycle. Maybe you haven’t got the confidence for a spandex diaper, but fear not: you can find other ways to mimic the look. Grab any old pair of shorts, find a friend, and ask them to give you the wedgie of a lifetime. We’re looking for maximum discomfort here! If performed correctly, a good bully-style wedgie can give your DIY hot pants a sticking power of up to two weeks.
Get the look: I think we’ve explained this one pretty well. You just have to commit.
Inquisition-Core
Nobody expected this one! Capes, ponchos, and cloaks are predicted to rise in popularity this year, as well as jewel tones and gaudy accessories. Naturally, we think 1470s Church Official will be making the rounds. Brush up on your doctrine, because if you aren’t on trend, you’re on trial!
Get the look: Short red ponchos, gold chains, and feather pens (to sign a pledge of fidelity to the Roman Pontiff) are all stylish ways to say “I’m not a heretic!”
Happy shopping, Prudies! You’ll thank us later.
—E.S.F.
Wait, you need a giant shade making reed hat for the fish-wife look!