Reintroducing the Prudes

In Which We Clear Our False Names

It’s been over a year since we first introduced the Prudes. Since then we have been joined by a delightful array of new followers, and so we thought the time was right to reintroduce ourselves. Our names have been a source of unexpected controversy, with some referring to them as “pseudonyms.” While we assure you that our nyms are 100% not-pseudo, in examining our hearts and past posts, we discovered that in other ways, we have misled our faithful readers. We are strongly committed to purveying only the finest in fake news, and realize that we cannot do this successfully without the trust of our public. True to our title, today we lay it all bare—here are the real stories of the Prudes.

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In our post “Meet the Prudes,” the above photo accompanied a biography of our founder, Charlotte Collins. This may have led some of our readers to believe that it was, in fact, a photograph of Ms. Collins. This was deceptive, and we are sincerely sorry. The picture is in fact a portrait of Judith beheading Holofernes by Michelangelo “Mikey-Mike” Caravaggio. Ms. Collins was reluctant to display an actual photo of herself as she has been on the FBI’s Most Wanted List since 2017 when, in imitation of the biblical heroine, she beheaded the mayor of a neighboring town. She now sends articles to our copy editor via homing pigeon from a remote farmstead in the foothills of Macedonia, and life on the lam makes it challenging to share picturesque candid shots. But the Prudes are nothing if not intrepid, and she has sworn to renew her efforts moving forward.

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The above portrait is admittedly misleading as well. It accompanies the biography of Effie Shins-Fyve, but is, in fact, a photograph of her grandmother, Ethel St. Claire Shins-Fyve, a renowned geneticist who discovered the link between legume reproduction and auditory deficiencies in fruit bats. At the time that “Meet the Prudes” was published, Ms. Shins-Fyve was suffering from a severe allergic reaction to a facial cleanser that Ms. Collins had produced after a questionable attempt at foraging on her homestead. This fact—along with the desire to pay homage to her ancestor, whose discoveries have been diminished and concealed for decades—led to the decision to use this photograph instead of one depicting her own visage. For any confusion or distress this may have caused, she is deeply sorry. In penance, we pledge that all future articles penned by Ms. Shins-Fyve will be accompanied by the following actual photo of Ms. Shins-Fyve at the time of her allergic reaction:

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Believe it or not, the above photo is, in fact, an actual photograph of our noble copy editor, Rubella Watling. She developed the unusual habit of eating with a napkin on her head during a childhood trip to La Paz, when a flock of condors relieved themselves whilst passing over the outdoor cafe at which she was seated. Reassurances that condors do not inhabit Northeastern Ohio have been to no avail. Rain or shine, the napkin stays, and frankly, does nothing to detract from Ms. Watling’s considerable charm.

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In “Meet the Prudes,” we claimed that this painting was a depiction of our most elusive member, Quinn Ance-Lais. That was patently false. The picture is in fact a photograph of Hugh Jackman in costume for a Broadway revival of Fiddler on the Roof.

We were hesitant to share this information, but in the interest of transparency, are forced to admit that in this case, the name as well as the picture is phony. The fourth Prude is none other than famed singer/songwriter Taylor Swift. She pledged us to secrecy in order that the success of her foray into comedy would be dictated by her skill and not her fame. She now understands that this was a mistake and released the following statement regarding her deception:

I’m starting to have the difficult conversations that I need to have to learn and grow, and I want you all to know that I am taking a step back from writing comedy to contemplate my actions and their effects on the marginalized communities around me.

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We hope you won’t be too off-put by our lack of transparency in the past. Henceforth and hitherto, we solemnly swear to be nothing if not Nude.

If you’ve enjoyed our writing over the past year, please consider sharing with a friend in need of a good chuckle! A couple of generous readers have pledged pecuniary help to our page. The Prudes produce free content bi-weekly and will continue to do so, but we would appreciate any monthly pledge that you can offer. Charlotte’s money laundering scheme isn’t quite keeping the lights on, and poor Effie and her little family are scraping by only on residuals from great-grandmother Ethel’s groundbreaking work: “Of Bats and Beans.” Anything helps!

—C.C., E.S.F., R.W., & Q.A.L. (T.S.)