Back to (Home) School

The Nude Prude's Guide to Education

The leaves are turning, the weather’s getting cooler, and the kiddos are heading back to school. But in your case, they might be heading to the back room. Don’t panic! Veteran Homies The Nude Prudes are here with Five Tips to survive the months ahead.

“And when you get back from your 9 o’ clock walk, you can get ready for your 10 o’ clock walk!”

Grammar

Get the addresses of every person you know, living and deceased. Telling the littles to “go write your daily letter” is a great way to snatch a couple hours alone. Go the extra mile! Don’t be afraid to have them redo based on poor penmanship. (Have very high standards here.) Choose ten vocab words for them to insert. Be enthusiastic! Use phrases like “wouldn’t it be fun to show grandpa you know how to spell, “exonerated?”

Biology

Unless there is an active hurricane, every day is a good day for a Nature Walk. Quickly lock the doors, and tell the kiddos they can come back in when they’ve each found sixteen unique “pieces of nature.” Feel free to quibble here. Two different shells or feathers don’t count as unique, neither do different colored leaves.

Home Economics

Your curriculum is not complete without “Cooking Class.” No, it is not ironic that the “Basics of Cooking” consist of oatmeal for twelve, fried eggs, and peanut butter and jelly—Julia Childs started with these, and so should your children.

Home Economics Cont’d.

Everyone has a theater kid lurking deep within— tap into your inner drama queen to make once-dreaded Shopping Day the best part of your week. Have a script in place when someone asks “are they all yours?” at the grocery store. Maybe Monday is “Single Mom” Day. Prepare a long, long story, and corner the person who asked. Instruct the toddlers to crawl out from under the cart at intervals. Tell the five-year-old to ask for random food items and say things like “is today another ‘no food day,’ Mommy?” Have fun with it.

The Arts

Let’s face it: your kids aren’t actually learning violin, or singing, or drawing, but those two hours of sideline gossip makes it worth keeping up the pretense. And don’t feel guilty, the other mamas know it, too, even the one who’s pretending that Mary-Katherine-Therésè-Maria-Rose has a shot at Juilliard.

In Conclusion

Mama, these days are going to test your soul in many unstandardized ways. One of your greatest fears will likely be the one everyone seems to feel with regard to homeschooled children: will they be unsocial weirdos, staring at strangers, playing odd games with cardboard boxes, and bringing up awkward stories about chopping firewood and preserving watermelon rinds?

We won’t sugarcoat it. Yes, they 100% will.

But they will also be capable of using the word “perspicacity” correctly in a sentence. And in the end, that’s all that matters.