Our grandpa Edward wooed our grandma Billie-Jane on a two-week leave from the Navy during World War II. The courtship involved what ought to be illegal levels of charm, including multiple nights of honest-to-God serenading under her window with an accordion, and by the end of two weeks, they were engaged. Asked what made him go after Billie-Jane, Edward replied, “no one else had that sparkle.”
Meh.
Story-book romances are nice, but they involve risk and risk is icky. That’s why the Nude Prudes are here with quality romantic advice for the modern young man.
1. Initial Maneuvers
Serenading, whether instrumental or vocal, says “I want to impress you.” Whoa—slow down there, cowboy! The lady is going to get the idea that you like her! Take a step back. Honor those feelings of anxiety and potential humiliation.
We much prefer that the first two weeks of a courtship—oops! we can tell some of you are already panicking at the sight of that word; let’s modify to acquaintance with the potential of a future relationship for everyone’s comfort and move on—we much prefer that the first two weeks of an APFR involve lengthy, open-ended text exchanges. This suggestion implies that you have the lady’s number, and fellas, we know this is the most terrifying consideration of all. But don’t worry, the Prudes have covered all bases!
Risk management is key! Do not ask her if you may have her number. Ask a mutual friend. In the event that you have to ask her personally, it’s good to have a ploy that necessitates a number swap. Recipe sharing is a good one, or needing the link to the podcast you were discussing. Once the formalities are out of the way, you can ease into chit-chat. (Nothing sets a girl’s heart fluttering like chit-chat). Begin with “hey, how was your day?” and tread very carefully from there. Turn off your read receipts. Turn off your read receipts! Scatter impotent emojis that will in no possible way be misconstrued to mean anything romantic.
The idea here is not to sweep her off her feet, it’s to stay on her radar. If that means you cause the angst of a heat-seeking missile, so be it. A strong negative emotion is better than none. What you cannot gain through your charm, ability, and dedication, you may eventually secure through her desperation.
2. First Steps
During their whirlwind courtship, Edward and Billie went dancing— real dances, that involved steps and required some sense of rhythm. Are you hyperventilating just thinking about that? So are we. Steer well clear of dances.
Yes, it may be romantic, yes, it may impress her, but you know what else girls love? Just pal-ing around interminably. Show her your favorite cat videos, share some laughs. Buy her her favorite takeout every once in a while. And seven years hence, when you finally offer the half-hearted proposal and throw the giant expensive wedding, you can sway awkwardly around the dance floor for five minutes to the slow, arhythmic strains of your favorite ballad, and trust us, everyone will be just as thrilled by that as they would by a frisky foxtrot or an elegant waltz. More, even!
3. Assessing Compatibility
After their marriage, Billie Jane uprooted from her native California to Edward’s family farm in Illinois. This new life required quite a bit of adjusting, but she was, in the description of our great Uncle Jim, “a sport.” She loved to sing, pitched in with the housework, let the aforementioned Jim, who was 12 at the time, crash she and Grandpa’s romantic evenings, and when things got to be stressful, she blew off steam by taking long walks through the cornfields.
Is that all sounding a bit nauseatingly wholesome? We think so, too.
Boys, let’s take a look at this situation from Edward’s perspective: the first home that he offered his lovely new wife—who had grown up in San Francisco, with access to operas, theater, dancing, food, and excitement—was a farm in the boondocks, which they shared with his parents and two brothers. And she handled it like a champ! What gave this man the confidence to think he could offer anything to compete with this woman’s clearly astronomical appeal? The answer is: he couldn’t. Neither can you. When faced with a girl who is in every appearance a catch, the course of action is clear. Take a long, hard look at your pathetic self, and slink away. In the event that you would like at least to remain in her orbit, you can! All women keep a place for meek, toothless satellites. The friend-zone is the comfy, cozy place for you.
4. Managing Expectations
Our grandpa was a quiet man, by most accounts. After getting out of the Navy, he was a dairy farmer, and then a postman. He liked to build things, and he and Grandma loved to square-dance. Then one day, the head of their dancing group asked for a volunteer to learn to call dances. To everyone’s surprise, most of all our Grandma’s, Edward volunteered. He went on to be a nationally renowned caller, sought after at square-dance conventions all over the U.S.A.
Are you picking up on a subtle message in that little story?
I’m sorry, it sounded like you said, “learning a new skill can lead to incredible new experiences.” Have you been paying attention to anything we’ve been saying? The phrase you should have picked up on was “to everyone’s surprise.” To clarify—this wasn’t all innocently raised eyebrows and polite “oh”’s. There were some smirks. No one thought this man was going to make a good job of square-dance calling—which, if you don’t know, is a cross between mathematician, auctioneer, slam-poet, and singer. The fact that he proved them wrong is beside the point.
See Tip Number One. Risk-taking raises expectations, raised expectations lead to new challenges, new challenges lead to personal growth, personal growth leads to introspection, introspection leads to humility, humility leads to confidence and confidence, gentleman, confidence may lead you to play an accordion under some lovely girl’s window, and then she’s going to get the idea that you want to marry her! Abort! Abort! Abort!
5. Establishing Your Endgame
Edward and Billie Jane were married for over 70 years. Edward died five years ago in his son’s home, surrounded by people who loved him. To this day, Grandma drops the kinds of lines about him that would have moviegoers everywhere sobbing into their sleeves if it were in a screenplay. On Valentine’s Day, recounting their life together, she said, “the love we felt for each other never wavered in good times or bad.”
At this point, you might be saying, “hey, that doesn’t sound so bad!” If so, it’s time to ask yourself what your endgame is. Yes, a lifelong vow of unconditional love has its appeal. But other things are appealing, too. The thrill of building a home together combined with the sinking feeling of not having a commitment, for example, is a combination that leads to positively delightful internal sensations in a woman.
Conclusion
Unfortunately, most women have a pesky he-man like Edward somewhere in their family tree, setting the standard. Fortunately, a lot of them don’t know it. If you happen to be smitten with a lady who does, we can’t offer a lot of help to you. Run the other way, is our best advice. Because in spite of its obvious merits, your high score on Call of Duty simply isn’t going to make her swoon. We know, we know—she’s blind, or crazy, or both. If no other woman will do—see Tip Number 1. Sometimes, sheer longevity gets the girl. Just hang around! She's not getting any younger, and the lack of competition may work in your favor.
If, however, you are pursuing (we use the term loosely) a woman of more realistic expectations, these tips should get you squarely where you want to be. And where is that? All together now…
NO, GOSH DARN IT! It is NOT playing the accordion under a wonderful woman’s window! We give up. Clearly there’s less hope for men than we thought.