Big Tech, Big Deal
A “hot topic” in the news lately is children and tech. Articles on the subject are filled with burning questions such as: When a child has unlimited access to an infinity of information that they can navigate with the baffling dexterity of a raccoon and process with the emotional maturity of a Tic Tac, what are the pros and cons? If 13-year-old Ashlynne spends every second of her spare time posting steamy selfies that make Madonna look like Mary Poppins—should you, her parent, insist that she maintain a B average? And perhaps most pressingly, if the operative word is not “if” but “when” will my child be exposed to sexual content online, is it time for family dinners?
These are complex, nuanced questions. Luckily, the Nude Prudes are famous for their complex, nuanced “takes.” Today, we present our views on four common reasons for and against children accessing tech.
For: Kids Like Screens
If there’s one things we’ve learned from spending time around children, it’s that their judgment is pretty much peerless. Kids are unburdened by all the mental traps adults fall into such as “weighing consequences” or “assessing risk.” A large group of kids we know recently spent an afternoon eating worms.
A child’s lack of inhibition in expressing their desires is inspiring—if you’ve ever spent time around a toddler, you have seen the beautiful, creative ways that they make their approval and disapproval unmistakably known. This isn’t evidence of their lack of perspective, but of the strength of their feelings. And it is very important to honor Strong Feelings.
Incidentally and unrelatedly, most parents Feel Strongly that the complete silence which results from placing “Peppa Pig” in front of their screaming little one is far easier to achieve than the tenuous peace gained from going to the park, or reading a book. If the price of intravenous Peppa Pig is a child with all the personality of a Super 8 Motel wall hanging—so be it. Daddy and Mommy need their uninterrupted screen time, too.
Against: Social Media is Damaging to Kids’ Mental Health
As we suggested in the introduction, when your kid has viewed harmful content or received sexual solicitations as a result of their time spent on social media and the World Wide Web…it’s time for family dinners.
Everybody knows that the unusually chipper, formal setting of the family dinner table is fertile ground for heart-to-hearts with your teenagers. In fact, refer to it as “fertile ground” to their face, and see the incredible floodgate effect even the faintest whiff of innuendo has on a reticent adolescent.
You may ask, “how will an awkward staged family conversation mitigate the catastrophically far-reaching and unbelievably subtle negative effects of technological addiction and social-media consumption?”
This is precisely the kind of judgmental, unhelpful leading question that does not belong in this nuanced discussion, thank you very much. Parents are not superheroes, okay? They are doing the best they can under incredibly challenging circumstances. It’s not like they’ve witnessed alternative child-rearing systems that would render technology use unnecessary.
So, Smarty Pants, until you have the magic machine that can transport us to your flawless happy la la land of phone-free conversation and cozy family meals, no doubt filled with people wearing the psychotic grins of Yahtzee box cover models—we’d thank you to keep your stupid questions to yourself.
Against: Our Kids’ Phone-Free Summer was Magical
True story: our esteemed editor in chief was recently slinging drinks at the local bar and overheard a charming young couple share the story of their magical Covid summer. A hurricane knocked out the power and cell-service for weeks, so their kids and those of the neighbors spent every night roasting hot dogs over bonfires and playing all the games the parents had played as children—freeze-tag, kick-the-can, capture-the-flag…“they still talk about what a magical summer that was,” the dad said. “Of course, they’re back on their cell-phones 24/7 now,” added the mom.
Ha ha! Can you imagine the abysmal stupidity it would involve to try and recreate the Magical Summer? Thank goodness mom and dad gave up on that quirky little pipe dream. If you think it’s possible in this enlightened day and age to return to the rose-tinted nostalgic summers of twenty years ago, you can think again.
Do you know how much money it would cost to take your kid off your phone plan?
Wait…
Well, do you know how much money a game of kick-the-can adds up to?
Wait…
Well, do you have any idea how hard it is to learn the rules of freeze—
Hmm.
Well, how about socializing? Huh? How are they supposed to have a social life if their friends can’t reach out to them? Oh, they’re supposed to go knock on the neighbors’ door? Mr Rogers called, and he wants his delusion back.
For: All the Other Kids are Doing it
Mark Twain had a saying: “When you find yourself on the side of the majority, it’s time to stop and think.” What this obviously meant was, “take a look back at all the great decisions that got you here and give yourself a pat on the back.”
When we were kids, the trend was sphincter piercing. All the kids were doing it, but no matter how we begged and pleaded, our dad would respond “if all the other kids jumped off a cliff, would you?” Obviously, he was a psychopath, and we’re still dealing with the mental and emotional scars that came from living with that kind of dangerous thinking.
If he had let us follow the trend, we, too, might have been the proud recipients of a pierced sphincter, and all its attendant benefits, instead of isolated losers, haunting the corners of Substack. Remember: it was the people who thought like the herd that accomplished the unthinkable—Hannibal taking to the open road, Harriet Tubman advocating for safer cotton-picking conditions, Wilbur and Orville Wright re-inventing the wheelbarrow, Nellie Bly getting the mental help she needed.
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If all the other kids have phones, the path is clear—your child needs a phone. The alternative is a life of dangerous independent thought, untethered by mental clutter and intellectual lockstep. Envision a future in which your child might stare up at the stars and ask themself: “why, after all, are we here?” The idea of freeing them from such terrifying speculations alone should be enough for you to get little Camden on the family plan yesterday.
In Conclusion
As we have shown in this article, the issue of children and tech is a fraught one, not neatly drawn in black and white, but rather, complex, nuanced, composed in shades of grey…fifty, if you will. And like Fifty Shades of Grey, it is packed with smut, ignorance, cruelty, and unrealistic expectations. But, as with that brilliantly insightful novel, it also contains valuable pearls of wisdom that will benefit your children for years to come, pearls like this one:
He has a coffee which bears a wonderful leaf-pattern imprinted on the milk. How do they do that? I wonder idly.
How, indeed? The answer to this burning question, like so many others, can only be found online.